Boundary Setting With Children

You may notice that this blog post isn’t based on a question.  Well, I don’t get specific questions around this topic but I do think the concept of boundary setting should be addressed with parents before their child starts treatment.  First, let me paint a picture for you that I’m sure, you as parents, can relate to.

    Your child becomes sick.  

    You feel helpless, sad, and perhaps guilt-you wish you could trade places with them. 

   You find yourself “giving in” to your child’s request or even their demands because they aren’t feeling well, they have to go into the hospital again and are resisting, etc. 

You start to notice your child is acting out more than usual.  Then, they’re yelling at you when they didn’t use to.  Soon, you notice they’re more withdrawn and refuse to tell you what they’re thinking.  You wonder if it’s steroid or treatment related…

That’s where I come in.  One of the hardest things for parents is boundary setting during treatment.  This goes for any kind of treatment-whether it’s cancer related, diabetes related, renal disease related.  It all comes down to this feeling of guilt that parents have and wanting to keep their childs’ or teens’ spirits high.  

Keep the Rules

I’m here to share the opposite- boundary setting actually helps your child cope better.  For example, most parents have screen time rules.  When you start to let go of those screen time rules because you know your child is stuck in bed a lot more, your child will naturally start asking for more time on their iPad, computer, TV, etc.  The rules are no longer set so they challenge your authority.  Then, when you take a step back and say “no,” they become more upset and frustrated with you. For younger children (ages 3-4) still in their egocentric phase, these “no’s” are more exacerbated because they aren’t logically able to follow your thought process. They don’t know where the boundary is.  Consequently, they become dysregulated and more stressed which is exactly the opposite of what you wanted.  Therefore, consistent boundary setting is crucial.

Boundary setting is very similar to maintaining the routine and schedule we talked about in “Teen Mental Health During Treatment. ” If your child has a clear understanding of the expectations for the day, they are less likely to question them.  For instance, children and teens typically know they have to do homework at some point after school.  But, if your child is in the hospital rather than at home, their routine is disrupted so they’re looking to you on how to navigate this new normal. If you as a parent are indecisive and don’t deem homework as a top priority anymore, your child isn’t going to either.  It’s not that your child doesn’t want to be cooperative, but when there isn’t clear expectations to ensure predictability, your child has difficulty flourishing.  In sum, regardless of your child’s health status, you want them to feel like competent, resilient, young individuals.  If you let your standards or rules go, your child or teen will start to feel incompetent, negatively affecting their sense of self. 

Sibling Boundary Setting

Finally, let’s talk about sibling boundary setting.  With a new diagnosis, you’re likely not spending as much time with your other children as you would like.  Therefore, you’re likely to see some pushing of boundaries.  This may be because there’s adult supervision, your other children desire your attention, or they’re feeling a lot of emotions with everything going on.  As noted before, you want to continue to be clear and concise with expectations and boundary setting.  This isn’t to say that you can’t be more flexible on some things but be mindful of what message you're sending.  Also, boundaries and roles can get easily blurred amongst siblings during times of transition.  You want to be mindful that your eldest child or children aren’t taking on too much of a mother or father role as this can be an emotional and physical burden on them. 

Of course, I know it’s easy to want your eldest to “step up” to help out more but be mindful of how this role change affects your other children and even yourself as the actual parent.  Your youngest could start becoming overly reliant on their other siblings which can be overwhelming for the big sister or brother who isn’t ready to be “Mom” or “Dad.” On the other hand,  if you try and take over for your child who was acting as Mom or Dad, you may find that they don’t want to be as cooperative or willing to take your direction. So, be mindful of how role changes impact your loved ones and do your best to stick to those rules of yours to maintain some predicability during tough times.