WAR-Complex and Common Grief Responses

Although grief is permanent, the way we experience it day-to-day, can change.  Some days you may be feeling down and have difficulty getting out of bed, and other days, you may find yourself so busy that you aren’t actively thinking of the loved one who died.

Today, I want to talk about WAR-withdrawal, acting out, and regression. I believe these to be the three most common behavioral responses associated with child grief. These responses are thought to be most prevalent when a child has recently learned of their loved ones’ passing. At this point in their grief, they’re in the process of trying to understand and make sense of the loss.

1. Withdrawal

W-Withdrawal and hiding of emotions. Naturally, when any individual is experiencing grief, they often feel uncomfortable “sitting with it” and want it to be over as soon as possible.  As a way to protect themselves, they try to suppress their emotions deep down in hopes that these BIG emotions won’t return.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t improve the healing process and can lead to acting out and regression as I’ll discuss more in a bit.  In addition, withdrawing from the outside world in response to child grief can have serious implications.

Withdrawal can lead to deeper levels of sadness and depression. So let’s talk about some clues to watch out for.   

For young children deep in grief, you may notice withdrawal from the things they love to do.  They may not be engaging in the type of play they typically enjoy or their play engagement as a whole could be very low.  Loss of motivation to eat and drink may also be observed, which can be seen in all age groups.

Then, in the school age and teen years, it’s best to look out for changes in your child’s social calendar.  Is your child not attending birthday parties?  Is he, she, or they choosing not to attend school events or asking to go out with friends?  Perhaps, your child doesn’t ask to join their go-to sports team which feels out of sorts for them.  All of these things point to withdrawal.

Finally, if you find that your child is spending a lot of time alone and in their room, it’s appropriate for you to be concerned.  Withdrawing from the support system, recreational activities, and other day-to-day things prevents your child from utilizing their resources. They can’t begin to heal in their grief if they are not communicating or finding outlets for the big emotions they’re experiencing.

2. Acting Out

A-Acting Out. As you can imagine, acting out looks different depending on your child’s age.  For 3 year-olds experiencing child grief, you may see them having temper tantrums or becoming more aggressive towards you or others.  Children in their preschool years tend to express big feelings in intense ways but then quickly transition back to play.

For older school-age children, acting out is also present and can be seen in the way they follow rules at school or at home.  For example, your 10 year old son may have chosen to push someone at school or responded inappropriately to a teacher.  Similarly, teens will respond in these ways but this type of behavior carries more risks.

Teens are in the developmental stage of building more independence and a sense of identity. Therefore, they are more vocal and insistent about making decisions for themselves, sometimes being impulsive in their decision making.   So, as a caregiver, you want to pay extra attention to what your teen may be doing in response to their grief.  They could be drinking, doing drugs, or become reckless in their driving.

3. Regression

R is for Regression- another very common response to child grief that impacts your child’s development. Developmental regression can best be described as the loss of a previously learned behavior or skill.   For children as young as 2 years to as old as 18 years, different types of regression may be noted and observed. 

For younger children, the first thing that parents will notice is bed wetting or loss of potty training.  Children may also revert back to a less age appropriate communication style, often known as “baby talk.” As mentioned above, temper tantrums are common and when a child is regressing, they are likely acting out more behaviorally. They are having difficulty managing their feelings and as a result, we see them communicating through their behavior.

For pre-teens and teens, be mindful of their regression in regards to independence.  You may find that your child has become more clingy to you and has anxiety around separation, in response to their grief.  This impacts their desire to spend time with friends, move out of the house, and build a life outside of the one they’ve known growing up. In these cases, they may feel insecure and benefit from reminders of how capable they are as young individuals.