Preparing Your Child For The Funeral
If you haven’t already checked out my initial post about explaining death to a loved one, please read that over so you can ensure you’ve already begun open conversations around death. If you’ve done that, your child is going to feel more comfortable coming to you when they’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure about the upcoming events.
While we discuss funeral support today, I will be noting ways you can effectively prepare your child. Fortunately, with a few of the right tools in place, your child will be able to handle the emotional heaviness of the event.
#1. Provide Choices
First, you’ll want to explain what a funeral or celebration of life is and the logistics of the event. Notify your child or children of how many people will be there, where it’s going to be, who they will know, etc.
Based on all the information you’ve provided to them, inquire about their thoughts and feelings around it. Does that sound overwhelming? Does that sound okay? Let your child mull it over a bit. And, if there’s aspects of the event that potentially require more of your child (i.e. sitting with the family as people give their condolences), let your know about those as well.
Then, give them choice in some capacity. Perhaps, it’s choosing to sit in the family at the front of the church or sitting in the back. Or, maybe it’s even giving them an option of attending the funeral or just the reception. These choices are yours as a parent but it’s important for your child to have some control over the situation as it’s a stressful, emotionally intense time.
#2. Bring Activities
If you have a child that is developmentally under 10 or 11, bring an activity or something for them to do. Funerals are incredibly emotional and can make children feel very overwhelmed so it’s important they have an opportunity to check out when needed. And I want to reiterate that “checking out” isn’t implying that your child is dishonoring the person who has died but that rather, it’s a way for them to remain emotionally regulated.
Children mirror our emotions remember? And when they see us upset, they become upset. They don’t have the same capacity as adults to remain composed or separate their own emotions from another individual. So, it’s important that they have the option to participate in some light play and activity for a mental health break if they need it. Think sticker scenes, drawing pads, fidgets or pop-its, etc. :)
#3. Provide Breaks
Breaks go hand in hand with activities. It’s important to be mindful of your child’s behavior and demeanor throughout the funeral ceremony. If they appear overwhelmed, agitated, or even scared, check in with your child and offer a break. Furthermore, it can be helpful to utilize another family member or close friend as a buddy for your child. This buddy can be the go-to if your child needs to step away, use the bathroom, or play, as a form of funeral support.
A break may be required during awkward times but it’s important to follow your child’s lead. It’s much better to take your child out for a quick break, then wait until they’re about to have a tantrum or stomp out and cause a scene.
#4. Give Them a Role
Providing a role for your child is important as it helps them to feel included, gives them a sense of control, and it allows them to express their grief in their own way.
Depending on the relationship your child had with the person who passed, you may even want to include them in the planning of the funeral. For example, I had a patient who knew that his aunt loved roses so being able to voice that, he felt pride when he saw all the roses at her celebration of life. An example of a “day of” type job would be to have your child help hand out the service pamphlets when people arrive. It seems simple but it gives your child some ownership and it’s also a nice distraction for them.
Finally, don’t forget to have little check-ins with your child or teen during the day. They may have questions or big feelings that come up as a result of what they’ve seen or heard and it’s important to address those. If you don’t have the chance or forget to provide funeral support during the event, take some time at home to process and go over the sequence of events.