Explaining Death of a Loved One

Discussing the topic of death is often uncomfortable and difficult.  But when you as a parent, are faced with the task of having to explain death to your child-now, that can feel unbearable.

I’m not a parent myself yet but I have supported families enough to know how hard it is for parents to prepare and initiate these types of conversations.  I think one of the main reasons it feels so uncomfortable is that instinctively, parents want to protect their children.  And when you have to explain death of a loved one, you feel like you’re doing the exact opposite of protecting.  The discussion can bring up feelings of sadness, confusion, or even guilt.  

I recognize that it’s not easy but it is so important to have the conversation.

Today, I’m going to share some tips and insight to guide you in these conversations if you don’t have the ability to use my services or another Child Life professional in your area.  

Honesty is #1

First, being honest and concrete is imperative when explaining death.  Please avoid all euphemisms such as “went away” or “went to sleep” as this can quickly lead to confusion for young children.  Remember that your little one goes to sleep every night so you don’t want them thinking that they could die in their sleep.  Moreover, these terms don’t imply that the death is final which needs to be conveyed to your child.  The appropriate terms that should be consistently used throughout your conversation should be death, dying, and died.  Then, you’ll want to clearly explain how the body stops working in relation to death to paint a clear picture.  For example, “Grandma’s heart first stopped beating and the rest of her body stopped working too. She was no longer able to breath, walk, see, hear, etc.”

Next, if you don’t quite have all the answers or understand how your loved one died, share that with your child.  In the case of a question like “why did this have to happen to them?,” it’s okay to say that sad events can happen that are hard to understand and comprehend.  If your family values faith and religion, I encourage you to include your beliefs in the discussion. 

Discuss the Impact

In addition, discuss how this death impacts yourself and your child.  Normalize feelings of sadness associated with the death as this is our natural response to tragedy.  Let your child know that “daddy or mommy feels sad right now” and ways “daddy or mommy is trying to feel better.”  For example, “daddy likes to take walks or naps when he’s feeling a little sad or overwhelmed.”  Or, perhaps, “I like to ask for extra hugs when I’m feeling upset.” When you share what you are doing as an adult to cope with difficult situations, you are leading by example and showing your child what they can do. Books such as “The Very Hungry Worry Monsters,” and “B is for Breath” are just a few of many resources to help children better understand and manage grief associated feelings after explaining death.

Then, discuss how this death changes things day-to-day or big picture.  If a grandparent dies, let your child know that you won’t be visiting them anymore at their house.  Or, if your significant other dies, let your child know how you or someone else is taking over their role.  By doing this, you’re letting your child know that their needs are still going to be met, helping them to feel safe and secure.  

Encourage Communication

Before concluding the conversation with your child, allow them the opportunity to ask any questions they may have.  Explaining death, then trying to initiate a discussion around it, might be too much all at once. Therefore, it’s likely your child will benefit from some time to process.

Despite this being tough stuff to talk about, you want to encourage open communication around the topic so that your child feels comfortable coming to you when they feel ready or desire more information.